Very 1st Father's Day

Monday, June 17, 2013

We tried having a baby for a year.  I got really good at nailing down the exact time of our 'go time'.  I didn't go to the extreme of testing my temperature, but I did use ovulation tests.  I also got good at testing early to only see a negative test result.  So, naturally, I stopped testing.  But I never stopped thinking about getting pregnant or having a baby. 

I missed my period.  It never came and frankly, I didn't even think twice about it being a result of pregnancy.  I figured it was late and just messing with me.  But for peace of mind, I tested.  Positive.  Big fat positive.  I was pregnant.  After a year of trying and negative tests, it has finally happened.  I was giddy and couldn't wait to tell Chris.

At our first doctor's appointment things weren't matching up.  From the date of my last menstrual period to how far along I was - nothing made sense.  Because of that I was scheduled to come back next week to take another look.  BUT there was definitely a heartbeat and I was most definitely pregnant. 

Waiting another week seemed like a lifetime.  For some reason I was anxious and didn't feel right about things.  In my heart, I knew something was amiss. 

The second doctor appointment came.  I was 7.5 weeks along.  Our little bean still had a heartbeat however the technician was picking up something else on ultrasound.  She called in a second technician to take a look.  My heart was ready to jump out of my chest.  All I kept thinking was calling for a second pair of eyes must be because something was not right.  Between the glances the technicians gave each other and the thick silence that filled the air, my heart sank.

The technicians told us they were definitely picking up a heartbeat (yay!), but they were also picking up what they called a bleed.  Apparently this is common.  Apparently I shouldn't worry.  They quickly made me an appointment to be seen by a specialist for the following week.  Chris and I left the appointment in silence.

Two days later, I miscarried.  I never made it to the specialist.  There was no need to anymore. 

My emotions went from complete joy and happiness to saddness and depression in a snap. 

3 days later I had a D&C.  We were instructed to wait a full cycle before trying again.  I kept thinking that trying was the last thing I wanted to do.  But, at the same time, I just wanted to hurry up and get pregnant again.  Put all of this behind us and move forward with a healthy pregnancy. 

So we waited.  I was depressed, not very talkative, and ate through my emotions.  We tried again. 

And then I prayed.
And prayed. 
And prayed.

I tested a day before my period was to come only because I felt 'off'.  I secretly knew I'd receive a negative result.  I didn't even know why I was bothering testing.  There's no possible way I could be pregnant again so quickly.  I probably was just 'off' due to the drinks I overindulged in the night before. 

Two lines appeared.  Weird.  This test must be defective was the first thing that popped in my mind. I couldn't have been pregnant again so quickly.  I got out a new test and tested.  I didn't think anything of it so I didn't sit there and wait for a line (or two) to appear.  I switched out some laundry, came back to the bathroom counter and looked down.  Two lines, again.  I started getting sweaty.  For shits and giggles I tested one last time.  And, just like the last two tests, two lines.  Positive.  It's positive!

I quickly told Chris, as he was downstairs.  Telling him a 2nd time I was pregnant felt odd.  I didn't do anything special this time.  I just sat down on the couch next to him and broke the news to him, pregnancy tests in hand. 

We couldn't believe how fast we were pregnant again.  We were so happy.  But it was a happy where you could both feel a sense of reservation.  I didn't want to get too happy.  I didn't want to fully indulge in the idea of being pregnant again.  I was terrified of miscarrying again. 

I went in for my first prenatal appointment and confirmed the pregnancy.  The nurses and techs all gave their congratulations.  I wanted to just give them the biggest smile and tell them thank you.  But I couldn't.  I kept thinking this all might not last.  This all could be ripped away from me again so I shouldn't get too excited just yet. 

The weeks following I had to go in a few extra times for ultrasound because I was now considered 'high risk' from having a miscarriage.  All of my ultrasounds and appointments were measuring up right on track.  Finally, at week 12 I finally was able to get excited.  The chances of miscarrying now were slim.  I have a baby.  I will be a mom.  I'm going to have a baby.  And then we shared the news with everyone and from that point forward my mind focused on nothing but the baby in my belly.

Fast forward to the now.  My almost 9.5 month old son is here, healthy and I couldn't imagine a day without him.  

There was a point where I didn't know if my body could physically make Chris a dad.  But after a long wait, it finally happened.  Being able to give Chris a son is truly my biggest accomplishment in life.  When I married him I knew he would be a great father.  But I couldn't possibly know how great that father could truly be. 

Yesterday we went to church and then we treated Chris to a scrumptious brunch.  The weather was perfect and we were able to sit outdoors to eat.  There's just something about eating outdoors.  It's always so relaxing and special.  Perhaps it's because we only get to do it about 3 months out of the year here in Minnesota. 

Chris worked in the yard the rest of the day to finish our landscaping.  And Vinny helped.  It was Chris' idea of the perfect day.  He was outside doing what he loves with his boy.  After I put Vinny to bed last night Chris thanked me for helping make his first Father's Day absolutely perfect.  Nothing is sweeter than that.


RitaMarie said...

So, I'm sitting here wondering if I am pregnant or not (4 weeks and 6 days if I am) and this post made my day. I don't know what the next few days hold as I prepare to test, but I do know I might be ready for whatever that little stick says.

I just realized I'm late and, well, can't wait to test.

Freckles Chick said...

Thanks so much for sharing your story with us, mama. I'm so sorry for your loss but beyond happy that that road brought you Vinny. This kid is a miracle in so many ways! His parents are pretty awesome themselves ;)

kellyhicks said...

Wow thanks for sharing your story. You don't realize how many women go through this until they talk about it. You're very brave!

Oh and have an awesome backyard!! ;)


Blog Design by Nudge Media Design | Powered by Blogger