Very 1st Father's Day

Monday, June 17, 2013

We tried having a baby for a year.  I got really good at nailing down the exact time of our 'go time'.  I didn't go to the extreme of testing my temperature, but I did use ovulation tests.  I also got good at testing early to only see a negative test result.  So, naturally, I stopped testing.  But I never stopped thinking about getting pregnant or having a baby. 

I missed my period.  It never came and frankly, I didn't even think twice about it being a result of pregnancy.  I figured it was late and just messing with me.  But for peace of mind, I tested.  Positive.  Big fat positive.  I was pregnant.  After a year of trying and negative tests, it has finally happened.  I was giddy and couldn't wait to tell Chris.

At our first doctor's appointment things weren't matching up.  From the date of my last menstrual period to how far along I was - nothing made sense.  Because of that I was scheduled to come back next week to take another look.  BUT there was definitely a heartbeat and I was most definitely pregnant. 

Waiting another week seemed like a lifetime.  For some reason I was anxious and didn't feel right about things.  In my heart, I knew something was amiss. 

The second doctor appointment came.  I was 7.5 weeks along.  Our little bean still had a heartbeat however the technician was picking up something else on ultrasound.  She called in a second technician to take a look.  My heart was ready to jump out of my chest.  All I kept thinking was calling for a second pair of eyes must be because something was not right.  Between the glances the technicians gave each other and the thick silence that filled the air, my heart sank.

The technicians told us they were definitely picking up a heartbeat (yay!), but they were also picking up what they called a bleed.  Apparently this is common.  Apparently I shouldn't worry.  They quickly made me an appointment to be seen by a specialist for the following week.  Chris and I left the appointment in silence.

Two days later, I miscarried.  I never made it to the specialist.  There was no need to anymore. 

My emotions went from complete joy and happiness to saddness and depression in a snap. 

3 days later I had a D&C.  We were instructed to wait a full cycle before trying again.  I kept thinking that trying was the last thing I wanted to do.  But, at the same time, I just wanted to hurry up and get pregnant again.  Put all of this behind us and move forward with a healthy pregnancy. 

So we waited.  I was depressed, not very talkative, and ate through my emotions.  We tried again. 

And then I prayed.
And prayed. 
And prayed.

I tested a day before my period was to come only because I felt 'off'.  I secretly knew I'd receive a negative result.  I didn't even know why I was bothering testing.  There's no possible way I could be pregnant again so quickly.  I probably was just 'off' due to the drinks I overindulged in the night before. 

Two lines appeared.  Weird.  This test must be defective was the first thing that popped in my mind. I couldn't have been pregnant again so quickly.  I got out a new test and tested.  I didn't think anything of it so I didn't sit there and wait for a line (or two) to appear.  I switched out some laundry, came back to the bathroom counter and looked down.  Two lines, again.  I started getting sweaty.  For shits and giggles I tested one last time.  And, just like the last two tests, two lines.  Positive.  It's positive!

I quickly told Chris, as he was downstairs.  Telling him a 2nd time I was pregnant felt odd.  I didn't do anything special this time.  I just sat down on the couch next to him and broke the news to him, pregnancy tests in hand. 

We couldn't believe how fast we were pregnant again.  We were so happy.  But it was a happy where you could both feel a sense of reservation.  I didn't want to get too happy.  I didn't want to fully indulge in the idea of being pregnant again.  I was terrified of miscarrying again. 

I went in for my first prenatal appointment and confirmed the pregnancy.  The nurses and techs all gave their congratulations.  I wanted to just give them the biggest smile and tell them thank you.  But I couldn't.  I kept thinking this all might not last.  This all could be ripped away from me again so I shouldn't get too excited just yet. 

The weeks following I had to go in a few extra times for ultrasound because I was now considered 'high risk' from having a miscarriage.  All of my ultrasounds and appointments were measuring up right on track.  Finally, at week 12 I finally was able to get excited.  The chances of miscarrying now were slim.  I have a baby.  I will be a mom.  I'm going to have a baby.  And then we shared the news with everyone and from that point forward my mind focused on nothing but the baby in my belly.

Fast forward to the now.  My almost 9.5 month old son is here, healthy and I couldn't imagine a day without him.  

There was a point where I didn't know if my body could physically make Chris a dad.  But after a long wait, it finally happened.  Being able to give Chris a son is truly my biggest accomplishment in life.  When I married him I knew he would be a great father.  But I couldn't possibly know how great that father could truly be. 

Yesterday we went to church and then we treated Chris to a scrumptious brunch.  The weather was perfect and we were able to sit outdoors to eat.  There's just something about eating outdoors.  It's always so relaxing and special.  Perhaps it's because we only get to do it about 3 months out of the year here in Minnesota. 

Chris worked in the yard the rest of the day to finish our landscaping.  And Vinny helped.  It was Chris' idea of the perfect day.  He was outside doing what he loves with his boy.  After I put Vinny to bed last night Chris thanked me for helping make his first Father's Day absolutely perfect.  Nothing is sweeter than that.

Cue the Tears

Friday, June 14, 2013

I dropped Vinny off at daycare school yesterday like any other morning.  I chatted with his teacher for a minute, kissed him on the forehead, told him I loved him and then proceeded to walk towards the door.  Half way to the door I was forced to stop in my tracks.  A blood curdling scream and huge crocodile tears were streaming down Vinny's face.  His arms were up, reaching for me.  And that's when my heart broke into a million little pieces. 

Separation anxiety has kicked in.  Cue the tears. 

I scooped him up, consoled him for a few minutes and then put him back down in front of some toys.  His teacher distracted him while I made the great escape out the door.  I felt horrible that I had to literally sneak out of the room.  I got into my car and drove to work with pools of tears welled up in my eyes. 

Today's drop off was the same scenario as yesterday's.  Tears, tears, tears. 

It's so hard.  My heart breaks and then I start feeling like such a horrible parent.  These are the days I long to be able to be a stay at home mama.  Someday, someday.  I hope. 

So today I did what any new mom would do.  I googled separation anxiety for a 9 month old.  And that's when I instantly felt like a failure.  So many sites say sneaking out the door is a horrible approach. 

So my question is, what do you do when this happens.  What have you found effective? 

And since I'm talking about tears I thought it would be only fitting to share a few outtakes from our recent family session...

Put it in a Frame

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Remember when I was outfit planning for our family photos?  Well, I changed it up a tad and am sooooo happy with the results.  I just received my photos from our family session and they seriously brought me to tears.  I couldn't love them more.  My lovely and ohhh so talented friend, Natalie, is truly the best.  I owe her a hundred free sessions of her family to repay her for caputuring our family so perfectly. 

I'm absolutely obsessed with these images and have already ordered oversize prints to plaster all over our home.  Ekkk! 

9 Months In, 9 Months Out

Thursday, June 6, 2013

9 months.  9 months in the oven.  9 months out of the oven.

One word.  Bittersweet.

Remember when I said monthly photos are getting harder?  Harder is an understatement.  There were a lot of sweat and tears to get this month's photo.  And not just from Vinny.  All I keep telling myself is that I have only 3 more of these photos left.  Part of me can't wait to be done, and then there's the part where I can't even believe I'll have a 1 year old on my hands.  Again, bittersweet.

I've never documented Vinny's monthly stats on the blog.  Looking back I'm a little sad I didn't.  High five to all you blog mamas that do it.  I'm also 4 months behind in his baby book.  Go figure.  Mom fail. 

We were at the doctor this week for his 9 month check up.  His doctor told me that he's absolutely perfect.  Duhhh.  Clearly.  I didn't need a doctor's appointment to be told that.

So, here's what I'm working with now.  Weighing in at 19 lbs 11 oz, he's on the move.  Whether he's army crawling at top speeds or practically running behind his walk behind toys, the boy can't be stopped.  I love every bit of it.  He prefers to be on his feet than his butt.  He absolutely loves to stand and walk.  And dance.  I taught him all my dances moves.  It seems that all those drunken nights at the bars dancing like a fool has paid off.  The boy knows how to shake it and drop it low. 

Vinny's in love with Tiko.  He looks for him constantly and laughs uncontrollably when Tiko kisses him.  They are really becoming best buddies.  Wherever Vinny is, Tiko is always nearby.  And I couldn't be happier about that.  When I was pregnant, I was super nervous about how Tiko would be with Vinny.  Obviously I have nothing to worry about.  As long as Vinny keeps sneaking Tiko puffs, I think they'll always be buds. 

{To see all of Vinny's monthly photos click here.}

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